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Marrying Ross Poldark: Becoming The Ideal Over Elizabeth (Demelza's Triumph in Marital Love And Happiness)


"When I heard he had married you I thought it was a makeshift. Something to console him.....I have seen it's no makeshift at all. It is real... He has lost the biggest thing in his life-and found it again in another person."
Verity to Demelza speaking about her observations of Ross following marriage to Demelza 'Ross Poldark' Internal Book 3 Chapter 4 part 2

This essay follows on from 'Marrying Ross Poldark: Demelza's 'daring gamble' as one of two in exploring ways in which Demelza triumphed in proving herself to be Ross's ideal woman over Elizabeth. That previous essay covered Demelza's decision to accept Ross's offer of marriage and whether this was more of a risky decision than Demelza may have known at the time. This is because the marriage was to be against the background of Ross's frustrated and frustrating romantic history with Elizabeth. Of course those who know the story will know that if there was risk that Demelza faced on that account, then taking that risk ultimately paid off for her. This was even along the way as she was actually presented as the surprising frontrunner underdog against Elizabeth. This was from an early stage after their marriage, and the ultimate pay off in the end was when Ross discovered his real love lay with her and not Elizabeth. Thus, the story narrative was that unbeknown to Ross to start with, Demelza was his ideal woman over Elizabeth. This post focuses on some of the foundational elements and the conceptual triumphs by Demelza that made this possible.  

In that previous Demelza's 'daring gamble' post several factors were documented as helping to counteract the threat that Elizabeth as the assumed 'ideal' presented to Ross and Demelza’s marriage. For instance, there was Ross's three year journey in moving on from Elizabeth. Also, to Elizabeth's humiliation there was Ross's rejection of the opportunity to reconcile with her during her visit to Nampara the day after he had slept with Demelza. Then there was Elizabeth as a married woman and how as a result she had been an increasingly distant presence in Ross's life over the years afterwards. This distance was expected to continue and so together with Ross's compatibility with Demelza, all this formed part of a what was a reasonably good argument for why Demelza could dare to take the risk of marriage to Ross despite this being in the shadow of the so believed 'ideal' former love that was out of reach for Ross and that had been for a while. 

This essay appreciates that consideration of the elements which lessened the risk of failure  for Ross and Demelza's marriage due Elizabeth being in the shadows, does not stop there. There were other issues to be combatted for Demelza to ensure that the marriage worked and played their part for it to stand a chance of survival. This included Demelza proving herself able to be the ‘engaging’ and ‘vital' character that Winston Graham said she was meant to be, and therefore proving that she was indeed the character to come into Ross's life to redirect it in a positive way. But if Elizabeth seemed that she might not be so much of a threat to their marriage after all, (perhaps because she was unavailable by marriage and not present so much in Ross's life), then Ross's idealism of Elizabeth still was a threat for Demelza to behold. Even though Ross later realised his idealism for Elizabeth had fuelled a desire for her that was a sham, the realisation of this was not for some years and Demelza's challenges in their marriage included trying to do with ease for Ross what he had thought Elizabeth, as the ideal, would have done for him as his wife. Where she herself was content and in love with Ross, that included the quest of contentment for Ross too and then the hope of eventual mutual marital love.

The Threat And Competition Of Idealism Of The First Love (Elizabeth)


" .......all my life with you I had to fight- not a shade but an ideal- Elizabeth. I- have always had to compete.'
Demelza to Ross who replies that this was not for some time. 'The Angry Tide'  Internal Book 1 Chapter 3


So in light of the above, as Demelza already loved Ross, the challenge for her involved the goal of moving Ross's attraction for her into the deeper feeling of love, her becoming part of his gentry community despite her lowly birth, and therefore just generally  proving herself to be an 'ideal' wife like Ross in some minds may have imagined Elizabeth would be. That way Ross would not feel short changed and that Demelza was significantly lacking as a wife for him against what he thought he could have had with Elizabeth. Of course, even though Ross at the time of his marriage felt Elizabeth to be the love of his life and therefore may have expected that she would have been a wonderful wife for him, he was never to know if that would have been a reality had they actually gotten married. However, though Elizabeth was more distant from Ross than before, with her still lingering in his life, she at least existed as a comparison. That was a threat! It was one that if overcome would be of great benefit to Ross and Demelza's marriage.

Naturally, Ross never suggested to Demelza that she was inferior to Elizabeth, however,  the idealism of Elizabeth meant that to some extent over the first four books this was at some point a thought in the back of his mind. For instance, years later Ross did express to Drake that it took some time for him to feel more consciously that Demelza was not "second best". That then suggests that despite his feeling at the end of the first book and thereafter of a greater happiness with Demelza, having not had Elizabeth and experienced a drawn out and tested relationship with her, Ross still had sometimes wondered 'what ifs' beforehand. He had also romanticised the relationship he had had with Elizabeth as well as one that thought he might have had with her if they had married. As implied already, the threat of this was through the power of doubt and the questioning this could evoke in Ross. It could be simply by Ross forever perceiving that Demelza had not met the ideal that had been set in his head of Elizabeth, and if this left him feeling somewhat unsatisfied or disappointed. But the story was such that despite her ever low self esteem, Demelza did happen to consistently exceed expectation and be the frontrunner. Covered below is what some of these expectations of Demelza were and how she met them.

Demelza's Challenge: Rebuilding And  Remaking Ross's Broken Heart


'And Ross again knew himself to be happy- in a new and less ephemeral way than before. He was filled with a queer sense of enlightenment.'
'Ross Poldark' (First Edition)  Internal book 4 Chapter 11

Ross was let down by Elizabeth and their relationship fraught with
frustration. However Demelza brought much happiness and love to Ross's life.
Even though excerpts in the book convey that whether Ross married her or not, that Demelza had a mentality that would see her through life with much optimism, her marriage to Ross transformed her life just as much as it did for Ross. Theirs was a joint happiness and growth in marriage which Winston Graham continued for them over the further books that he did not initially expect to continuing writing. That being said, this essay is about Demelza's triumph as a wife in her marriage to Ross and what she did for him. Unbeknown to Demelza, (but seemingly part of Graham's agenda) marrying Ross Poldark was part of Demelza's role in saving Ross from the after effects of what Ross even referred to Drake in 'The Black Moon' as a 'shipwreck' of a relationship with Elizabeth. It was this shipwreck which readers knew had left Ross heart broken. He did not have the optimism that Demelza had and as per the storyline, it was for Demelza to mend and rebuild Ross as if this were her side of the marriage bargain for the plot. 

So essentially, the woman Ross had thought would make him happy at the start of the story, and who he had invested all his hopes and dreams in, had broken him and brought him to depression instead. As a result, for a long time after Elizabeth had married his cousin, Ross would drink himself to bed daily. Verity had been the one to observe the extent of Ross's misery and until Demelza replaced her she had spent time with him to lift his spirits. However, as covered in a previous post, Ross saw marriage to Demelza as the obvious way out of this misery. So this task to reverse Ross's misery to happiness, (as Elizabeth failed to do), was indeed more specifically on Demelza's shoulders to do. Though Ross's mood had been salved over the years by his friendship with Demelza, she still was not marrying a truly happy man that felt contentment within himself. However, she was to be the wife that healed Ross's broken heart and led him to contentment. 

An Ideal Replacement: Ross Reloaded On New Found Happiness


"Before I found you, when I came home from America things looked black for me...."
Ross to Demelza 'Ross Poldark' (Internal Book 3 Chapter 3 Pt2

Indeed, based on Winston Graham's agenda of giving Demelza a 'vital' role to serve Ross's needs, she had to meet this expectations that all spouses have of the person they marry. To make Ross happy! That would be a powerful defence against the Elizabeth threat, and six weeks after marriage to Demelza Ross did indeed feel himself to be happy. While Winston Graham alluded in his narration that Demelza at least lifted Ross out of his darkest mood before they married, Ross admitted to Demelza that before marriage to her he had intended to marry Elizabeth and that after he lost her his life had looked black to him. Fortunately, despite the risk of failure by Demelza, Ross had therefore indicated early skluccess by Demelza with this task. Essentially Ross conveyed to Demelza that his life was no longer black since she had become his wife. Verity was a third party observer who was not only able to confirm this but expressed this to Demelza as her own observation. In fact Verity implied that Demelza had indeed served as a replacement to what Ross thought he had with Elizabeth. This was when she said to Demelza that Ross had "....lost the biggest thing in his life-and found it again in another person." To the discerning reader that is again another indication that at such an early stage Demelza was a serious contender and really did have the potential to replace the ideal that Elizabeth was. That goes along with Ross's thoughts six months after he married Demelza and when he first took her to Trenwith. Winston Graham wrote then, that Ross '.... wanted Elizabeth to see that he had been content with no common substitute...'

Achieving A Lasting Happiness



'And beside him,...was his wife, his helpmeet , and still against all probabilities, his love, ten years his junior in everything except wit and wisdom..'
Thoughts of Ross about Demelza 'The Miller's Dance'  (Internal Book 1 chapter 1)


Of course, the success and circumstance to be celebrated in this matter is not just that Demelza was a wife that made Ross happy, but that this happiness was not short-lived, as can often been the case. Sadly that had been the case, for instance with Francis of Elizabeth (and vice versa). By the time of Geoffrey Charles's birth their marital love for each other of just a year old, was fading away. Yet despite trials and tribulations along the way it was over twenty years later in 'The Miller's Dance' where Ross thought to himself about how fortunate it was that he had Demelza with a nature that was '...devoted to loving all things, appreciating the small...' Further to that he thought 'I follow behind her, knowing of my happiness through her.' In considering that a large part of his own pleasure was found in the pleasure of his family he placed a lot of stock on Demelza for this and therefore in turn reflecting happiness back.

As with the extract above Ross remained thoroughly engaged and in love with his witty wife for the duration of their marriage and there is no doubt that it was an achievement for Demelza to uplift Ross on a long term basis to a state of happiness and contentment. This is considering that Winston Graham said Ross was based on a real life character that was highly strung. Also Ross once told Demelza in 'The Twisted Sword' that it was not in her nature to be unhappy. Speaking to the benefits of opposites attracting, Ross did also say to Demelza "You are in fine counterbalance with my natural mopishness." And so it is easy to see that as that ‘vital’ character, Winston Graham wrote Demelza with the intention that she was far the more ideal woman for Ross than Elizabeth was. This is especially considering that Graham described Elizabeth in the first edition of the second book as an 'over reserved...young woman.' One might think that together with Ross's natural mopishness this would not have been a match that inspired happiness in each other, or where one would generate it and the other then reflected it in the way that Demelza and Ross did respectively.

Never Before: An Elusive Deep Love 


'So he found that what he had.......owned wayward and elusive depths he had not known before and carried the knowledge of beauty in its heart.' 
Ross think of what he has with Demelza after confessing his love to her for the first time. 'Ross Poldark' (Internal Book 3 Chapter 2 


Winston Graham wrote Ross falling in love with Demelza as if it crept upon him along with his  feeling that Demelza was growing into his life. Then on that magical moonlit night there was Ross having a stark consciousness that not only was he happy with Demelza as his wife, but that he was in love with her. Demelza becoming the ideal over Elizabeth is indeed heavily suggested in the closing scene of the first book which reads like a happy ending that is written primarily from Ross's perspective. So this really was Demelza as the 'vital' character that really did meet and achieve the challenge she had the burden of bearing for that role. Early on Winston Graham shared milestone moments of contentment. For instance, when Ross and Demelza were six months into their marriage and despite being in the presence of the supposed 'ideal' woman when visiting Trenwith, Graham showed that this was not derailing and that still 'Their relationship at that moment had no flaw.' There Ross basked in enlightenment that he was finally happy. However, what is of significance was that setting the general tone thereafter, Ross's thoughts elevated Demelza over Elizabeth rather than the other way round. 

Indeed, as covered in the previous post Elizabeth: Observing The New Prize Wife, during that visit to Trenwith Demelza stood out as an impressive new wife. But as with the extract above Ross seemed to recognise that the elusive love he had with Demelza had more depth to it than what he had had before. That would then include with Elizabeth, his first love. That suggests that while his thoughts indicated Elizabeth was second best, the power of idealism prevented him properly making that connection until his experience with her on 9th May 1794 which brought on that realisation more consciously. Otherwise, before then Demelza arguably outdid the supposed ideal of Elizabeth in various unspoken battles such as beauty, charm and wit even after that visit to Trenwith. There, and at other times too Demelza had been the captivating one to Ross and the guests present. Such was the case that Elizabeth picked up on this herself early on and Graham informed the readers twice in the first edition of the next book that she was jealous of Demelza and also also, that Elizabeth was piqued by Demelza's success and wanted to regain her ascendancy of Ross. 

Love Grew Vs Love Grew Uncertain


'....would I have been happier (with Elizabeth) or she? Perhaps there are elements in her nature and mine which would have made our life together difficult.'
'Jeremy Poldark' Internal book   Book 2 Chapter 4 

Indeed, in an age of loveless marriages as commonplace, it is no small feat that Demelza was a wife that Ross came to love. Naturally with Elizabeth in the shadows this is of significance for the ongoing longevity and happiness in Ross and Demelza's marriage. Elizabeth will of course have been an even greater risk to Ross and Demelza's marriage if this mutual marital love did not occur as an extra security brace to their marriage. Without this love, that would have been a key thing lacking in their marriage for Ross. No doubt Ross is then likely to have thought he would have definitely had this with Elizabeth and therefore had missed out on this something special by marrying Demelza instead of her. It is obvious that the absence of marital love in Ross's marriage with Demelza would have increased the fragility of it to the many external threats that marriages face, but particularly the threat Elizabeth may have posed. Demelza cleverly reflected this idea of a woman having the power to coax a man in to infidelity in 'Warleggan' when Ross expressed a wish to her and Francis that Dwight Enys should be wise enough not to get entangled with Caroline Penvenen. In response Demelza said "It seems to me no man is wise enough if the woman is not wise enough."

Addressing the issue of risk again, the risky element of Demelza's decision to accept Ross's marriage proposal was around the hope of an eventual mutual love, and therefore for love to grow on  Ross's side after marriage. Hopelessly romantic brides and grooms were often encouraged to keep the faith that this might grow after their arranged marriage. Demelza believed in this and that may have factored into her long term hopes in marrying Ross. Since it worked for her, when Drake was facing the same risk in marrying Rosina (who he did not love while still loving Morwenna who was unavailable to him), Demelza did end up professing about the possibility of post marriage love. Naturally, as the key to a successful and stronger marriage, Lord Edward who only had to compete with Clowance's love for her the dead first husband Stephen Carrington, will surely have hoped that in time Clowance would fall for him after they had wed. Incidentally, as evidence that this was a reasonable hope to have Demelza’s observations of their looks at each other in ‘Christmas At Nampara 1820’, indicated that Clowance probably did follow in her father’s footsteps and fall in love with her husband after marriage. 

Despite the above, post marriage love did not always happen in the world of Poldark as written by Winston Graham. For instance, after Rosina had fallen for Drake and lost him, and Sam had fallen for Emma Tregirls and lost her, Graham did not narrate in the later books that Rosina and Sam had fallen in love with each other after they married. After Cuby's love story with Jeremy who she had fallen deeply in love with him before he died, given his more awkward character one can only guess if she would have fallen in love with Philip Prideaux if she married him following his obscure open proposal in 'Christmas At Nampara 1820'. The mention of this is to highlight contrast and that there are no guarantees. It also emphasises by the contrast how Demelza's success with post marriage mutual love was a triumph not to be underplayed and should also be credited to her being a woman that Ross could possibly have fallen for, rather than the idea that it was guaranteed regardless of who he married.

A Failed Threat In the End- The Unideal Woman


"She (Demelza) has been my lover, my companion, my housekeeper, the mother of my children, the- the keeper of my conscience. She (Demelza) is comparable in my eyes to no other woman."
Ross to Demelza  'Bella Poldark' (Internal book 5 Chapter 10)

Resisting Elizabeth -The Ideal

It would seems remiss to ignore that despite his marital love and hapiness with Demelza, Ross was nevertheless eventually unfaithful with Elizabeth. Ross should not have had to do this to realise Demelza was the ideal. However this is the power of an idealisation or even a delusion. It creates an illusion from unreality when long before then Graham had already written and confirmed early in the second book that Demelza was the key that unlocked Ross's attention, desire and love and was 'the woman that mattered to him more than any other'. That was not an illusion and ultimately Ross's real and true love for Demelza was what eventually dismantled the notion that Demelza was just a 'placeholder wife' and that if Elizabeth became available Ross would engage more romantically with her or be less resistant should she do the same with him. For instance, when Elizabeth was a widow following Francis's death Ross acted appropriately with her. This was despite believing that Elizabeth loved him following the suggestion she made about this at the Trevaunance party when Francis was still alive. Graham did not write into the narrative any thoughts of Ross feeling frustration and wishing that he could be with Elizabeth now she was available as a widow or expressing regret that this was not possible. 

In addition to Ross making no romantic move for Elizabeth when she was a widow, he did not fold when he clearly felt that she was trying to push his button for romantic engagement. Readers will know this because after Ross took Elizabeth against her will he once thought that 'Her attitude towards him during a number of years, and particularly the last two, was more than anything else responsible for what had happened, and she must have known it.' 'Warleggan' Book 4 Chapter 6 If this was Ross’s perspective then he had indeed resisted an attitude from Elizabeth that he seemed to think was provocative. One can then assume that Ross's love and commitment for Demelza therefore was stronger than his desire for Elizabeth and did serve as a defence against the perceived provocation and attitude by Elizabeth. That was a love that they had nurtured, watered and strengthened over the years.



"If your purpose in what you did was destruction then you altogether succeeded."
Elizabeth to Ross at the Sawle Church Graveyard about his assault on her on 9th May 1794 'The Four Swans' ( Internal Book 1 Chapter 11)

But Ross did fold for Elizabeth eventually. However it was not quite love that brought this about and instead was a case of there being a thin line between love and hate. Clearly any willpower Ross had to resist temptation from Elizabeth was not strong enough against the provoking emotion of anger derived from a sense of the worst betrayal to him by Elizabeth in favour of George. This caused Ross on 9th May 1794 to lose his temper and his reason or reasonableness. But even then, rather than romance, in Ross's unfaithfulness with Elizabeth, what he offered her was anti romantic in nature. Ross’s act was not about claiming Elizabeth for himself at the expense of Demelza and on the basis that Elizabeth was the 'ideal' and 'superior' replacement. It was as Elizabeth suspected, to cause destruction (to her plans to marry George) and from his disgust, to unleash his frustration on her. Ross did not offer Elizabeth the loving sexual experience that he offered Demelza in their lovemaking, during their incident. However whilst Ross's violent reaction towards Elizabeth was unacceptable and a stain on his life story, the conflict and agitation he felt, including his irritations of her at other times was born out of the very realisation he had come to years before. This is that there were elements in their characters that would make their life difficult together. Equally Elizabeth had said in the first edition of the first book that their characters would not blend well together and their own observations suggest that deep down they did not consider themselves to be each other's ideal.    

Just Common Sense: Demelza, Ross's Ideal Woman


"...if it could only have happened in a vacuum, without hurt to anyone, I should not have regretted at all.....because from it I came to recognise things which no doubt I should have had common sense and insight enough to have known without the experience but did not."
Ross to Demelza about his night of unfaithfulness with Elizabeth  'Warleggan'  (Internal Book 4 Chapter 7)

So Ross’s attitude and frame of mind for that ‘May incident’ is in further support that ultimately Ross never had the attitude of thinking of Demelza as a 'placeholder wife' to be eventually replaced by Elizabeth given the chance. Then after Ross's sexual experience with Elizabeth his love and desire for Demelza proved to be more powerful to him than any had for Elizabeth. Indeed that was consistent with the years beforehand when Ross did have those moments of reflection where he got down to basics and considered that his and Elizabeth's personalities were not aligned. Naturally that was undesirable and again, partly because of the mystery of Demelza's personality that blended with his so well, this alone speaks directly to the idea that whether consciously of subconsciously, to Ross, Demelza was far more ideal as a wife to him than Elizabeth was. Of course this was aided by his discovery that his desire for Elizabeth was a sham and that his feeling that his true love was not for her at all. 

Ultimately 'the May incident' between Ross and Elizabeth is the milestone that consciously for Ross secured Demelza as his ideal woman instead of Elizabeth. He not only realised that it was common sense for him to have known this all along without the experience, but before the conclusion of the final book in the series Winston Graham wrote Ross declaring all the things that Demelza was to him including his lover and companion which made no other woman compare to her in his eyes. Of course the other aspect of Demelza becoming (or emerging as) the ideal woman for Ross over Elizabeth, is that Elizabeth seemingly was never the ideal woman for Ross in reality. That is a matter to be explored in a future essay although the post Elizabeth And The Analogy Of The Key (To Unlock Ross's Love And Desire) covers a lot of the strong themes and narrative that pointed to this. 

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