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Marrying Demelza: The 'Obvious Way Out' For Ross (Duty Or Desire)


'It was not that he loved her but that such a course was the obvious way out.'
Winston Graham's narration on Ross’s decision to marry Demelza  ('Ross Poldark' Internal book 3 chapter 1)

It may be tempting to assume that Ross married Demelza before after sleeping with her it was the 'right thing to do' as if he was motivated by a moral duty rather than it fulfilling a personal need of his and a desire. However it is not written that Ross ever thought of his marriage decision to Demelza as 'the right thing to do' and Winston Graham never narrated this either. So why did Ross Poldark decide on marrying Demelza? To some the answer to this question was never spelt out explicitly in Winston Graham's narration. In the post called 'The Magic Of The Fall In Love' the focus is on that magical moonlit night of 6th August 1787 when Ross new himself to be in love with Demelza after he had already married her. But while it is likely that the process of falling and being in love occurred beforehand, but without Ross knowing exactly when, what is clear is that whatever Ross's feelings were for Demelza on 1st June 1787 when he decided to marry her, he did not believe or know himself to be in love with her at that specific time. This therefore begs that question about Ross's reasoning for deciding on marriage to Demelza. This is especially in light of Winston Graham’s narration that for Ross Poldark 'It was not that he loved her but that such a course was the obvious way out.' Since the 'obvious way out' is not necessarily the same as the 'right thing', to truly understand why Ross married Demelza one therefore has to work out what marriage to Demelza was the obvious way out from for Ross. In tandem with this that includes exploring whether he made this decision because of a moral duty to her or because he genuinely wanted to at the time. 

The Mystery Of The Way Out: A Moral Duty Or A Wish To Marry?


Graham's line about the 'obvious way out' is pretty vague and so this does not assist in understanding what marrying Demelza was a way out from. Even though the line does not mention what this might have been, or indeed anything about a moral duty, it may certainly stir up thoughts that a moral duty to marry Demelza should be the natural presumption as to what Graham meant by this on Ross's behalf. However, when looking at the fuller picture that Graham provides, and when also looking at Ross's state of mind at the time of deciding to marry Demelza, it is apparent that this ‘obvious way out’ meant something quite different for Ross than a moral duty. Instead it is clear that this 'obvious way out' was something that Ross saw as a positive life changing move on his part, so that marriage to Demelza was in his interests just as much as it may have been in her's too. 

A Basic Primal Instinct


In not making quick and easy assumptions about what the 'obvious way out' was, the focus should be exploring this by applying normal human emotions, as alluded to by Graham in his narrative setting of Ross in particular. The bare bones of it is really quite simple and dialogue from Ross to Verity years beforehand and specifically shortly after he returned to Cornwall, makes it clearer what Ross meant about the 'obvious way out' in general terms. However before that, to start with, it was that basic and primal feeling of attraction. This was an attraction that Ross had for Demelza that came from nowhere and which took him by surprise just days before he made the decision that he would marry her. It is indeed Ross's ongoing attraction to Demelza that undermines the suggestion that the reason for the marriage was purely out of duty. That is partly because presumably there is some self interest in marrying someone you have since become attracted to.
 

A Raging Sexual Desire For Demelza


'But desire, a raging desire moved through his pulses. With another person he would not have struggled to defeat it. His head was bursting in a conflict with the restraint of ten years.' 
Ross's inner struggle as Demelza attempts to seduce him in 'Ross Poldark -first edition' Internal Book 2 Chapter 6 part3

When Ross first hired Demelza and brought her to Nampara when she was just thirteen years of age, he thought of her as a 'scrawny half-starved urchin'. Over time he did notice her developing so that she was no longer recognisable as that. Even though Ross married Demelza while 'out of love' with her, by relying on the theory that he did so due to a moral duty, it would be wrong to suppose that at the time of deciding to marry her and on their wedding day, that Ross did not find her attractive, or that he would have been willing to marry her even if he did not. But he did! Graham made it clear in his writing that this new attraction for Demelza was the very thing that Ross struggled with. Indeed, as Demelza sought to seduce Ross (which is covered in the post 'Seduction, A Blue Dress And a Spirit Of Love'), Ross had thought of her 'flowering maidenhood' but also that her look was 'adult' that night. There is no doubt that this and their sleeping together was a game changer and a defining experience which altered his outlook on her thereafter. For instance, after their initial argument over her wearing his mother's blue dress, when Ross then touched Demelza to wipe her tears away, Graham wrote in the first edition text that 'Yesterday the contact would have been clay: today it was fire.' 'He also wrote that Ross's authority was gone. And this was before they had even slept together!  Ross Poldark' Internal Book 2 Chapter 6 pt2 

Indeed, quite importantly, as set out more extensively in the first edition text of the first book, Ross was taken with Demelza during this blue dress scene due to '..the magic appeal of youth, which was beauty in its own right.' Particularly in the first edition text Graham narrated how Ross noticed things which related to Demelza’s femininity and sexuality, such as when '..she looked up and he saw quite close to him the glitter of her tear-filled eyes and the warm ivory swell of her breast.' Also, after having already initiated a kiss with her but deciding this behaviour should not go further, Ross nevertheless still felt 'desire', a 'raging desire' for Demelza and as the extract above states, he was conflicted about this and would have not struggled with it, if it was any other person, other than Demelza.


Just Tumble The Kitchen-Maid (But There's No Moral Or Societal Duty To Marry Her!) 


‘It was nothing out-of-the-way for the younger gentry of the neighbourhood to tumble their kitchen-maids.’
'Ross Poldark -' Internal Book 2 Chapter 6 part2

Later in his bedroom Ross thought of owing nothing to Elizabeth anymore and separate to that, in respect of Demelza, he thought that the possibility of sleeping with her '...was no blind seeking after sensation in order to drown a hurt, as it had been on the night of the ball (when he slept with Margaret).’ Graham went on to explain that, at that time, in respect of Demelza and Ross's new interest in her, ‘This was fair desire.' This is quite important because it suggests that this was not a blip or a desire on false grounds, such as if Ross being under the influence may have distorted his sense of desire. The passage shows the interest was not false because it was to get over Elizabeth as he had tried to do when sleeping with Margaret. But if Ross had found later that he did not enjoy his night with Demelza and the desire did not hold, then, other than marriage, Ross had other options. He could have left it to be a one night stand or he could have just made Demelza his mistress. But he did not. The narrative suggests this is because from a free choice Ross preferred the matrimonial way forward.

Some might use the term that by marrying her, Ross was 'making an honest woman' out of Demelza, but from the narrative it would seem that it was more likely the other way round and that by marrying Demelza Ross was making an honest man out of himself, if his wish was to continue this night-time activity with Demelza. After all Graham narrated that Demelza had not expected marriage. But also there was nothing in Ross's private reflections that suggested that he felt he owed a moral duty to Demelza to marry her. Still, it is the case that the morning afterwards saw Ross considering that sleeping with Demelza would change the nature of their relationship. However Graham narrated that Ross essentially saw his night with Demelza as a 'pleasure' experience that he did not regret and which '..he had no intention of doing so.' Indeed Ross's thoughts did not stretch to him feeling that he was therefore obligated to marry her. If so, having decided to marry her two days later, this would have been a much delayed thought if it was so much the obvious thing to do and something that should have been an automatic and instant consideration that next morning. It did not appear to be so from the narration of Ross's initial thoughts and there was never any suggestion or thought by Ross over the rest of the books that he had made the decision to marry Demelza more for her benefit and otherwise with some reluctance. Years later, when reminiscing in ‘The Stranger From The Sea’ Demelza suggested that actually he had ended up being the more enthusiastic of the two of them that night. Ross had replied saying saying “I meant to know you better by morning.”

As a matter of fact Ross's reflections before sleeping with Demelza focused on his eventual decision to marry her  as something against social norms and therefore something that he was not expected to do. He considered how there was no duty for gentlemen to marry the kitchen maid that they slept with and therefore supposedly for this reason this was not at all an automatic consideration. Ross had thought that 'It was nothing out-of-the way for the younger gentry of the neighbourhood to tumble their kitchen-maids.' He did not express any thought that this was wrong or that he could not accept that attitude for himself. Further to these thoughts, after Ross married Demelza Graham narrated Ross's awareness that actually marriage to a kitchen maid was the last thing a gentleman should do. This is since he anticipated that '..this marriage would finally damn him in the eyes of his own class. For while the man who slept with his kitchen-maid only aroused sly gossip, the man who married her made himself personally unacceptable in their sight.' Therefore, while Ross did not seem compelled by a moral duty, his awareness of societal attitudes also would not make him feel that he had one. It would be quite the opposite.

No Duty- No Shame


In any case a moral duty suggests doing the right thing when it is of no benefit to you or at some sacrificial cost to you. But Graham conveyed that Ross would be gaining something rather than making a sacrifice if he married Demelza because following that night, as quoted below, Graham also told the reader that Ross found his desire for Demelza persisted right up to the wedding day and beyond. Even before hand Graham's narrative made it clear that this new desire and attraction For Demelza would not just be a fleeting feeling for Ross. For instance, he had written that Ross tried to think of Demelza as the thin urchin 'But that was no use at all. The urchin was gone forever.' Hence, Ross could no longer see Demelza as the girl she was before. Instead from there onwards he would see Demelza through new eyes as a desirable young woman. This desirability, as with any man, would naturally play a major factor in Ross’s decision to marry her. 

'There was no going back for him, even if he had wished it, which he found he did not.'

Graham's narrative for Ross's mindset around this marriage decision has no features of what one would expect from a mind who made this decision with half a heart or for the benefit of the other person. By narrating that 'If Ross had not wished to marry her (Demelza) she would not have fretted for something else...' this suggests a carefree attitude from her that applied no duress on Ross and would have allowed him to pursue the option of her being his mistress if reluctant to marry. However, this and the narration that it was 'his decision to make the union legal and permanent..' and to honour her with his name gives a clear impression that it was Ross's sole decision and that he was quite specific and determined in his goal to lock her into a marriage with him. That is also true of his other thoughts that '..she was a not unsuitable match for an impoverished farmer squire.' and his view formed before he married her that 'she had already proved her worth..' This indicates that Demelza’s value to him and his life was a consideration to Ross. Again this leans towards choice rather than duty as Ross clearly saw the benefits of a marriage to such a girl. In fact it screams 'obvious' way out, as if the answer was right under his nose and he had been afforded a wonderful opportunity.

On top of Ross's appreciation of Demelza, if he had married her out of duty because otherwise he would never have considered this, considering he felt that his fellow men would damn him and find this behaviour personally unacceptable, Graham was consistent in documenting no regrets or shame by Ross in respect of his community of the gentry. When Ross met with his mine venturers as a newly wed, and they seemed awkward in congratulating and toasting him on his marriage, Graham wrote that 'Ross seemed the least embarrassed of them all.' That would have been more than likely the case his decision was based solely on feeling he had had to marry Demelza and wishing he had not got himself into that situation. Ross's lack of shame in the announcement of his marriage from the outset carried over to his keenness to show Demelza off to the Trenwith household. But aside from that a moral duty implies bestowing a great favour and honour to Demelza, yet Ross downplayed himself as a significant catch for Demelza by considering himself just an 'impoverished farmer squire' and then years later in 'The Twisted Sword' where he reminisced to Demelza that at the time he had been an 'inebriate, half bankrupt squireen'. All this suggests that personally Ross did not operate a mindset that he was carrying out a duty for Demelza's benefit by offering her all the kingdoms of the world, or near enough. It seemed that he thought the opposite and much of his private reflections were about the positives of marrying Demelza which as stated included that she already 'proved her worth'. But there were other additional benefits to him in the marriage that he had had a taste of beforehand, in respect of his manly needs. 

Marriage As A 'Way Out' To Satisfy An Unleashed Sexual Appetite


'....the stranger and the friend. It was unsettling in the day, in moments of routine and casual encounter, to get some sudden reminder of the young woman who could call herself into being at will to satisfy an appetite, whom he took and owned as a plaything of passion....'
Ross Poldark -first edition' Internal Book 3 Chapter 1 part3

It is not inconceivable that continuing to live with Demelza whilst desiring her and having been sexual with her, would have been a problem for Ross. Perhaps even a nightmare of self control! Ross was probably very much aware of this. The fact that he thought of the idea of her as his strumpet but dismissed this only because it would degrade her and disfigure and warp their relationship, shows two key things. First, that he was so far gone with attraction for Demelza that he wanted to continue having sex with her and so her as his mistress was something he entertained rather than saw as an impossibility. Second, his wish not to undermine Demelza or his relationship with her meant that he valued her in the way that many other masters would not have of their maids. They would either not care or it would not be enough of a concern as to change the course of their life and marry them. As referred to in ‘Ross Poldark: Moving On From Elizabeth’, Ross's more special relationship and appreciation of Demelza was evident in the way that he quite unorthodoxly introduced Demelza to Elizabeth when Elizabeth visited the next day and the 'Bluebell Scene' played out. As covered in 'Falling in Friendship' Graham had done a good job of building a narrative where the reader would understand that Demelza’s worth to Ross arose from a companionship with her that had pleasured him from some time beforehand and which was unconventional given his and her status. That should help to make sense as to how in an age of arranged without love marriages, marrying Demelza was not such a crazy idea for a man who did not particularly require a rich woman of his own class. Again with that outlook it does seem so obvious. This is especially as the cat was out the bag now that Demelza the urchin was gone for ever and Ross now having a 'fair desire' for her which he struggled to beat because it was Demelza. 

A Conflict Of A Desire And An Sexual Appetite That Was There To Stay


'So he found that....what had been for him the satisfaction of an appetite, a pleasant but common place adventure in disappointment, owned wayward and elusive depths he had not known before and carried the knowledge of beauty in its heart.'

Ross would not have been so drawn to consider marriage to Demelza if he did not continue to desire her and if he was happy to go back to his monkish life of celibacy or if he was instead invigorated to  look for another woman. This is just as widower George Warleggan did after seeing the teenage Clowance in 'The Stranger From The Sea' who triggered a sexual reawakening in him and spurred him on to pursue Harriet. But as confirmation that Ross did indeed continue to desire Demelza after their night together, as mentioned above without the text Graham wrote that in the weeks after they married 'There was now no mistaking that he (Ross) found her (Demelza) desirable; events had proved it to be no miasma of a single summer night.' This therefore highlights that since Ross did not want Demelza as a strumpet but could not defeat his 'fair' and 'raging desire' for her, this meant that without a negative connotation the obvious way out of this dilemma for Ross was marriage. But as will be covered in a follow up post, Ross's reflections the night before meant that he had had a change of mindset about his morals and principles so, that his decision to marry Demelza was not about a moral duty but about pleasing himself. 

Ross's decision was a lot about his unleashed and uncontainable desire for Demelza and that after years of restraint a marriage to her would allow him to have a 'plaything of passion' and to satisfy a (sexual) appetite for her. This is just as mentioned twice by Graham in the two extracts from the first edition text quoted above the last paragraph. Then again, in another extract Graham references Ross enjoying carnal passion with Demelza when he wrote of '..the enigma of her pretty candle lit face and fresh young body-all for his carnal satisfaction and increasing pleasure.' The extract referencing Ross's reflection of Demelza now being available at will to satisfy his appetite and him 'owning' her as a plaything suggests that this aspect of her meeting his needs was quite important to him and perhaps really was a significant consideration for Ross beforehand. That being said, despite the three references to his sexual satisfaction through this marriage, there was more substance to Ross's decision than just sex. If so then he could have continued engaging prostitutes as and when he required. Instead, as mentioned earlier this substance is apparent from Ross's early discussion with Verity referred to above. 

A Way Out -Ross’s Wish From Long Before 


"I must find my own way out of this."
Ross to Verity after discovering Elizabeth's engagement and upcoming marriage date. 'Ross Poldark' Internal book 1 Chapter 3 Part 2

Soon after Ross had discovered Elizabeth's furtive defection to Francis while he was at war expecting they’d be reunited, Verity visited him and was offering him some consolation. He was sulky about Elizabeth and Francis. In response Verity stated "I wish I could help you, my dear." She proceeded to suggest to Ross that he should visit and have dinner (at Trenwith) with them daily. It was then that the concept of a ‘way out’ for Ross was introduced for the first time to the reader. Ross mentioned this term when Graham wrote that in response to Verity’s offer Ross shook his head and said "I must find my own way out of this." Thereafter they proceeded to discuss Francis and Elizabeth's wedding arrangements. But when Verity suggested that instead she could visit him over the winter (rather than him visit them), Ross's response was that "That would help more than anything." 

A Way Out: Something To Hold On To - Someone to Save Him


"Before I found you, when I came home from America things looked black for me. You know why, because I'd hoped to Marry Elizabeth and returned to find her with other plans. That winter it was Verity alone who saved me ....."
Ross to Demelza  'Ross Poldark' Internal  Book 3 Chapter 3 

For understanding about what Verity’s visits would be helping with, this should be considered along side the extract above. This is of Ross's comment to Demelza where he said that "Before I found you, when I came home from America things looked black for me." This is one of many extracts that corroborates Graham's narrative that Ross suffered depression and feelings of emptiness for years after returning to Cornwall. When Verity offered Ross help it was in direct response to the sadness and depression that she detected from him and therefore in order to address that. Equally Ross's response that visits from Verity would indeed ‘help’ him indicate that her offer directly related to helping him find a way out which is what he had just mentioned he needed to do. It seems quite clear that Ross was trying to find a way out of his depression and the life he thought was black for him, and that Verity's visits would help lift his spirits. Readers would find that Ross would feel that Verity's visits did help with this and so Ross followed up his comment to Demelza by explaining this to her with a profound statement that "That winter it was Verity alone who saved me." Yet again this is another indicator providing a direct link between a ‘way out’ for Ross in respect of his sadness, to spending time with someone who could lift him out of that and to get him through life, as it was then. In fact, Ross conveyed how this worked when he went on to say "Well. I was a fool to take it so to heart.....Verity came and kept me going....She gave me something to hold on to..." Indeed that would be a major part of Ross's reasoning for deciding to marry Demelza. It was something to hold on to. Demelza was that person and in the last scenes of the first edition of 'Ross Poldark' Ross's thoughts recognising this together with his happiness are shared with the reader as 'This is all I ask of God, Let me hold it, Let me hold it.'

A Spontaneous 'Obvious Way Out' Marriage With Immediate Results


'.....after a time the atmosphere  she created began to have it's effect on all in the house.'
Ross Poldark -first edition' Internal Book 3 Chapter 1 part2

Along with the above, Ross's later calling upon Demelza to help lift Verity out of her broken heart shows that this was an approach that he felt was tried and tested. But if Ross thought having someone to lift another person's spirits and to give them something to hold on to was helping them find a way out, then this is probably how he saw marriage to Demelza if he considered that to be an 'obvious way out' and most likely why he did not wish to 'go back'. The concept of the 'obvious way out' might have seemed quite a staid and process driven one which carried no emotion. But it was not. An upcoming post addressing another aspect of Ross's decision to marry Demelza called 'The Engaging And Vital Character (Ross's Satisfying Decision)' will explore how, far from being made begrudgingly, the marriage decision was a 'way out' that was incrementally and thematically more satisfying than Ross could have hoped for. That would be based around Winston's Graham commentary in interview where it was him that referred to Demelza as the 'engaging' and 'vital' character who came into the story to alter the shape of it and clearly Ross's life. But in light of this it is therefore not a coincidence that after using terms such as 'black' and 'winter', that after marrying Demelza Graham wrote that 'As if to collaborate with Demelza's happiness, the summer was the warmest for many years, with long weeks of bright quiet weather and rare full days of rain.' This and the extract above highlights how Demelza and her infectious happiness which therefore was brought this to the household, is just one of Graham's narrative themes establishing the idea of this marriage to an alternative character (Demelza rather than Elizabeth), was the successful as well as obvious way out for Ross to turn his back on his black days. In addition to that, there are multiple references to Ross realising he had indeed 'got out' and acknowledging in 'The Angry Tide,' that the something that he now held was the centre of his world (Demelza) and in 'The Miller's Dance', that he was content and he derived his happiness through her. His way out.

So Ross achieved his overall goal of a way out from misery with his night with Demelza being a watershed and therefore the key to this. It presented and threw in his face that the obvious way out was obviously to marry the girl that quite untypically as his servant had become his best friend beforehand, when it is believed that friendship first is the bedrock of a solid marriage. Secondly, who he had come to find desirable. Thirdly who had awakened and then satisfied his sexual appetite and fourthly who helped him to achieve some pleasure in companionship beforehand and would help him to experience happiness through marriage. In the shortest way possible the obvious way out was Ross taking the opportunity to move forward and on with his life with someone better than the woman he idealised and who he had lost and instead with the new woman who could meet his needs and make him happier. 


 




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